I always wanted to play with the boys…it was easier to navigate the boy world. It was safer to play with the boys…a mangled knee was easier to manage than a bruised and rejected heart. Boys took their hearts to the field…girls turned their hearts on one another. It really doesn’t seem like much has changed…we are just bigger kids playing on a bigger field now. I have continued to play both games since those playground days. I have shamefully played “that” game…the game where you tear someone down in thought and/or word to feed insecurity and boost ego. I have also played the other game…played my insecurities out through performance on the mommy-field. Both games…a loss.
These games CAN stop…if and only if…I stop playing them! I can choose to stop chasing perfection or performance to feel “good” about myself. I can stop playing the – “let me tear you down or your children down so that I can feel good about myself and my children” game. I can choose and own that I am worthy no matter what my house looks like – what my body looks like – how my kids behave or not behave – what title I hold – if someone agrees with me or disagrees…I choose to live loved and inherently worthy now.
There may not be drawings passed down the classroom rows of my overly hairy – sixth grade – legs and quiet giggles and/or snickers anymore…but there are still passing comments. I know this…because I shamefully have been the commenter and the hearer of these comments. Truth is truth. If someone feels so open to tear someone else down, no matter what form, in front of you, then they are tearing you down to someone else.
So…how does the game change? It doesn’t…some will still play…some have no idea they are even playing…nonetheless…it’s our choice…once aware…to continue to play.
I choose – to manage myself.
I choose – to manage my insecurities.
I choose – to manage my strengths. Own and work on my weaknesses.
I choose – to be vulnerable and share my whole self with others.
I choose – to be a cheerleader to those playing the game and to those walking off the field…encouraging them for who they are…but not encouraging “the game.”
I choose…Game Over!!