I always wanted to play with the boys…it was easier to navigate the boy world.  It was safer to play with the boys…a mangled knee was easier to manage than a bruised and rejected heart.  Boys took their hearts to the field…girls turned their hearts on one another. It really doesn’t seem like much has changed…we are just bigger kids playing on a bigger field now.  I have continued to play both games since those playground days. I have shamefully played “that” game…the game where you tear someone down in thought and/or word to feed insecurity and boost ego.  I have also played the other game…played my insecurities out through performance on the mommy-field. Both games…a loss. 

These games CAN stop…if and only if…I stop playing them! I can choose to stop chasing perfection or performance to feel “good” about myself.  I can stop playing the – “let me tear you down or your children down so that I can feel good about myself and my children” game. I can choose and own that I am worthy no matter what my house looks like – what my body looks like – how my kids behave or not behave – what title I hold – if someone agrees with me or disagrees…I choose to live loved and inherently worthy now.

There may not be drawings passed down the classroom rows of my overly hairy – sixth grade – legs and quiet giggles and/or snickers anymore…but there are still passing comments.  I know this…because I shamefully have been the commenter and the hearer of these comments. Truth is truth. If someone feels so open to tear someone else down, no matter what form, in front of you, then they are tearing you down to someone else. 

So…how does the game change?  It doesn’t…some will still play…some have no idea they are even playing…nonetheless…it’s our choice…once aware…to continue to play. 

Now…

I choose – to manage myself. 

I choose – to manage my insecurities. 

I choose – to manage my strengths.  Own and work on my weaknesses. 

I choose – to be vulnerable and share my whole self with others.

I choose  – to be a cheerleader to those playing the game and to those walking off the field…encouraging them for who they are…but not encouraging “the game.” 

I choose…Game Over!! 

It’s been easy and I would say an almost innate talent to jive to the rhythm of other people’s wants and needs, desires and commands.  It has been easy for me to be a follower and peacekeeper. It is as if I was born with a special DNA marker that makes going with the flow as easy as the 30-second button on the microwave.  For many years my peace, happiness and completeness came from managing and orchestrating the peace, happiness and completeness of all of those around me.  

I have come to realize, the hard way, that keeping peace only works if you are completely hole and happy yourself.  If you are not completely hole and happy within yourself, what you are really doing by peacekeeping is really just giving yourself away – piece by piece.  You are trampling over your own emotional boundaries to placate another’s.  When you are a people pleaser, what you think of compromise is actually surrender – you just cannot see it straight because you are literally blinded by the emotions of others.  What you thought of as a peace treaty with another – was really an act of self-surrender. 

Are you a people pleaser?  Can you look back and see situations more clearly – situations in which you surrendered but thought you were compromising? 

When you think about love and the idea of love, what and who do you think about?  Do you think about moments with your kids, your husband and or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend?  What about that furry pup in your life?

For me, when I think about the idea of love and a certain moment in my life, it is not a warm and fuzzy memory.  I was 19 years old and my mom was recently diagnosed with kidney failure and needed a dialysis port for her soon to be rounds of dialysis.  I remember driving her home from an outpatient procedure. As we were pulling out of the hospital parking lot the medicine did not sit well in my mom’s stomach, she could not hold back the natural instinct to yack up whatever was left in her system.  In the moment that followed, she looked at me so embarrassed, she kept telling me how sorry she was that I had to experience her in such a vulnerable space. The humility and sadness that I saw in her eyes will be etched in my memory forever. As I look back to that memory, all I remember is feeling and overwhelming amount of compassion. 

Sometimes the moments that are chalked full of love are not always pretty, smelling your newborn baby’s head or walking down the aisle to get married, but are these moments full of compassion and grace.  Sitting with a terminally ill parent, supporting another friend through a recent affair, comforting someone through their recent loss. Sometimes in these moments – It is not the words you say, but the compassion and love you give by your mere presence. 

For years, I felt as if I lived under what I would call a cloud of resistance.  I felt stuck. Not able to move forward with new ideas and plans. I would constantly second guess myself.  It was as if I was living life constantly walking uphill with little reprieve and going nowhere. As I look back, I realize now, that this second guessing was from years of needing permission and/or acceptance from others.  With acceptance and permission, I would feel as if I finally had the energy I needed to continue to move forward, but only to be short lived. The problem with this was, if I wasn’t met with the acceptance and permission – I felt defeated and completely deflated.  I would not fully show up and constantly held myself back from following dreams and aspirations. 

When I realized that I was the only one that could give myself the permission that I needed – the permission to live fully, both in my strengths and weaknesses, my life changed.  

The only permission you need is yours.

Go get it.  Go do it. Go be it!